If You're Reading This
by racefh853629
Summary: If you're reading this, I'm already home." -Tim McGraw. Angsty, sad piece.


A/N: I don't own CSI:Miami, CBS, or any other known entity. Idea for this story came from hearing the song "If You're Reading This" by Tim McGraw, which I don't own but do love. Takes place around Lost Son, which is better understood by reading the story. Italics are a slight POV change, quoted italics are the letter. I hope you enjoy, and please review.

* * *

If You're Reading This

Eric sighed, staring at the wall, lost in thoughts of years past. Memories flooded through his brain at warp speed, making it difficult to pick out any one of the good times. He swallowed the lump in his throat, not sure what to do anymore. His best friend, the guy who took him under his wing and simultaneously hazed him when he got there, was never going to grace the halls of the Crime Lab. He'd never hear from him again.

Speed was gone.

Those three words were hard to verbalize, and even harder for Eric to wrap his head around. He kept staring at the wall, not sure what else to do right now. He stared, and he thought, and he tried to keep himself from being overcome with tears every five minutes. Eventually, though, he knew he'd lose control and just let it go.

"Eric?" Horatio asked softly. Eric looked up from the wall to find his boss standing in the doorway. Horatio had an empathetic look on his face. They were all feeling this, just as much as the next one. "How're you holding up, son?"

"I'm not, H," Eric said quietly. "I'm sorry. I can't focus."

"Understandable. Listen to me. The shift is over, let's go home." Eric closed his eyes, shaking his head.

"I'm not sure I want to yet."

"Alright." Horatio pulled up a chair, sitting next to him. He clasped his hands together, putting his arms on the table in front of them. Calleigh walked into the room, joining the two men. "Hey," Horatio said.

"Hi," she said quietly, sitting across from them. Eric managed a nod of acknowledgement, and she took her hand in his, squeezing it gently. The three of them sat in silence, no one particularly wanting to deal with the elephant in the room. Alexx walked in somberly, sitting with the CSIs. She gave them a small, weak smile, and everyone looked at each other before going back to saying and doing nothing. Finally, Calliegh broke the silence.

"I think we should eat some time tonight," she said softly. The three others looked at her before nodding quickly.

"Yeah," Alexx said. The boys agreed, and the four of them decided to go out together. As they sat around the table in their favorite restaurant, each with a beer, Eric finally bit back a small smile.

"Remember the time Speed came into the lab, wearing the same clothes as the day before," he said.

"Which time?" Calleigh asked with a slight chuckle. Everyone else smiled in remembrance as Tripp walked over.

"Hey, guys," he said softly. They greeted him, making room for him at the table. The group toasted their fallen colleague and remembered him fondly over dinner.

* * *

Days later, nerves set in as Eric walked up to the podium at Speed's memorial service. His hands shook as he clutched the letter in his hand, closing his eyes briefly to will away his emotions as he placed the paper down. He took a deep breath before addressing the crowd.

"I'd like to thank everyone for coming out today to remember with us Tim Speedle," he began. "Tim was a great friend, a loving son and brother, and an amazing CSI who touched many lives in the short time he was on this earth. He dedicated his entire life to save and help others. He lost his life doing just that." Eric paused, sniffling back tears.

"About two years ago, Tim and I made a pact," he continued. "We'd write each other a letter to read out at our funerals, and we'd leave it opened at our houses so that we could always add to it as we wanted. When the inevitable happened, we would go to the other's house, get the letter, and read it out, verbatim, along with our own after, because we knew the other would be able to hear us. So, here goes." Eric smoothed out the paper, sighing quickly.

_Tim sat back at his desk, picking up the pen. Every night, before he went to bed, he looked at the letter he was constructing. He was constantly re-evaluating what should and shouldn't be in there, adding to it all the time. Tonight, he skimmed through what he had already written before realizing how sloppy the draft was. He decided to re-write it, yet again._

"_Eric,_

_If you're reading this, that means I'm gone, and you're still here. I know, that's not hard for you to think about right now, given that you've always been opposed to me having the motorcycle. You always said I'd probably kill myself on it. Let's hope that in this case, you were wrong."_

The memorial service chuckled at that comment. Eric smiled, taking a deep breath and finding the strength to continue on reading.

"_I know that initially, you must've hated me. I was that older brother who hazed you, and I know that wasn't easy. It was, however, tradition, so I'm not apologizing for it. Not even in death. I think that in the end, that's part of what made us close in the first place, part of the reason you ever continued to put up with me._

_After dispo day, and getting shot in the chest (thank God for those vests), I had a momentary realization that I didn't want to die without letting you and everyone else know how much you all have touched my life. I know, seemingly uncharacteristic of me, but underneath, I really am like that._

_Mom, Dad, Kayleigh, I love you all so much. Don't think back on me and the memories we created together in pain. Remember that I'm still with you, watching over you, and I always will be. Especially you, Kayleigh. If you fuck up, I'll definitely know, and I'll kick your ass from here."_

Kayleigh laughed softly as she hugged onto her boyfriend, Greg, a little tighter.

_"Nick, I'm sorry I let you down so many times. I know that you're probably not here to hear this, though. I've never lost faith in you, I've always held out hope that you'd finally get things together in some way. I'm always gonna look out for you from up here from now on, you little shit._

_Calleigh, I've never quite understood your innate ability to be eternally happy or to find a positive in any situation. It's always something I've loved, though, and I'm glad to have had you as my friend. You're passionate and willing to do whatever it takes to protect your friends, your family, and your livelihood. I've always respected that about you. I'll always love you for being my friend._

_Alexx, at times, you've been a second mother to me, and I'm pretty sure you knew that. You were always right there with a hug and a smile if I ever needed it, as well as the golden ear that listens to everyone for any reason. I've always admired you for your ability to do just that. Thank you for everything you've done._

_Horatio. I think that it's the hardest to tell you how I feel about you. You've been a great friend, and an amazing boss. You've guided me through some of the darker times in my life and on this job, and I appreciate that more than I've ever told you. Although, I think you already knew that. At any rate, thank you for always having my back and being there when I needed you. Oh, and knowing me better than I know myself."_

The team members looked at one another, tears streaming down their faces at the touching words of their departed friend. It was all things that they had known, despite Tim having never uttered them before. Eric cleared his throat as the tears began to fall down his face.

_"Eric, I wish that this wasn't coming to this. I know that you're the one that's going to be reading this out at my funeral. Not because I'm sick, suicidal, or anything like that. Just because that out of the two of us, I always have been and probably always will be more reckless than you."_

_At this point in writing, Tim straightened up, rubbing his eyes and cracking his back. He took in a deep breath, shaking slightly as he wrote the words. Rarely did he let his true emotions surface, but when they did, he had an intense reaction with them. As he cleared his throat, he cracked his knuckles before turning back to the sheet of paper in front of him._

_"Besides that fateful dispo day, there's only one other night that's been forever burned into my brain. Perhaps 'burned' was a bad word choice on my part, but either way, it all means the same. That night at Club Descent, with the fire. I don't think I'll ever forget the heat of the fire, choking on the smoke, or trying in desperation to help others out. I know you lost someone close to you that night, but I'm thankful that we didn't lose each other that night, too._

_You've always been like a brother to me, and I appreciate that more than anything. You're my best friend, and I'm sorry that this is the only way I get to say goodbye in the end. Thanks for always having my back._

_Take care, everyone. Know that I'm watching you from above, ready to come back and kick your ass if you screw up. Sorry for all the swearing in this, Mom. I love you all, and I'll be here for when you get here. And I promise that this time, Eric, I won't haze you for getting in._

_-Tim"_

A chorus of sniffles took over the service, and Eric paused, wiping his eyes with a tissue. After a few moments, he cleared his throat, prepared to continue. He unfolded the second paper, smoothing it over the stand and taking a deep breath.

"Tim,

If you're reading this, then I'm most likely gone. You've been the annoying big brother type friend that I'm glad I always had. You're a good man, and I'll never forget you. I'll always watch out for you from up here, you know that.

Tell my parents that I love them, and I hope that I made them proud. To my sisters, I'm glad you all turned out well. I hope I've been the best brother I could be for you, as I have tried.

Tell Horatio, Calleigh, Alexx, and Tripp that it's been a great experience working with them. I've enjoyed my time with them, and am thankful that I got the chance to work with them. They've become great friends to me, and I'll be here to take care of them from above.

I know yours is probably longer than mine, and that's because you always keep everything bottled up, whereas I tell everyone mostly everything. Either way, I'm going to miss you very much while I'm here and you're there. I hope you'll do well without me always keeping you in line and always cleaning up your messes. I know, you're probably laughing at that line. Either way, I love all of you very much. Make sure everyone else knows that.

Love, Eric."

The End


End file.
